We all have buttons that can be pushed. Children push parent’s buttons and parents push children’s buttons. If you take the time to ask yourself how your child’s behaviors are making you feel you can identify the motivation or purpose of the child’s behavior. If you feel hurt by your child’s behavior most likely, your child’s goal is reprisal. If your child is irritating you, they are seeking your attention. If your child’s behavior is making you feel ineffective, your child is trying to gain control.
Whatever the behavior your child is displaying their motivation or the buttons being pushed you need to separate from the situation. Take the time to calm down, return, and address the problem or situation when you are emotionally prepared. By sitting down and discussing with your child the behaviors that are unacceptable and agree on an exit and wait plan or de-escalation plan you can reduce family conflicts and family crisis.
Both parent and child should do the following:
1.) Make a list of behaviors that are unacceptable, behaviors that push your buttons, for your child it could be lecturing and saying cliché’s like when I was your age… or it could be saying “you never…”
2.) Identify an activity that helps you calm down. This could be reading, listening to music, taking a walk, lying on your bed with a cold cloth over your eye’s, etc. (you might need a back up activity, depending on time of the day or weather.) This should be activities that are unlikely to increase your child’s aggression.
3.) Identify a safe location. This could be your bedroom, outdoors, sitting in your favorite rocking chair, etc. Make sure the location is a place your child is unlikely to become aggressive.
4.) Identify an exit and wait statement, this could be as simple as agreeing on a safety word.
5.) Identify a consequence if our child follows you and continues her behavior after the safety word or statement was used and both party is to exit and wait.
6.) Identify when both parties know they can return and discuss the issue that trigger the emotional conflict.
7.) Identify support – people who can be called by parent and child. Individuals that the child can stay with if extended time is needed give both you and your child a break. The individuals that the child can stay with should be individuals that both you and your child identify as people whom your child is unlikely to become aggressive.
Possible Support:
Extended family
Friends from community
Friends of the child
Teacher or school staff
Crisis numbers
Etc.
Your exit and wait plan/de-escalation plan should be written out and discussed with your child. The Make sure that your child understand that it isn’t that you are not concern or that you don’t want to listen to them that you want to wait until you are calm to discuss the problem or issues. Makes sure your child understands that purpose of the plan is to prevent arguments.
Remember no matter the motivation behind your child’s negative behaviors is a need. While you want to eliminate the negative behaviors, you do not want to ignore the child’s needs. Recognize the fact that your child has emotional buttons and that you could be pushing the child’s buttons. Waiting until you are calm to address consequence and problems help your child learn how to better regulate their emotions by role modeling an appropriate way to handle conflict and disagreements.
Plan: (both parent and child can write out their plan.)
1. Statement or safety word
2. Safe place
3. Activity – i.e. listening to music, taking walk
4. When you know you can return.
5. Support Person –
