Much has been said about marriages and couples, and working with them made me realize that even when there are tons of books for helping couples live a ‘happy life’, very few explain how to ruin it successfully.
So, since my job consists in helping people in their day-to-day couple’s life, I have in stock a full list of proven methods that have worked marvelous nightmares in their relationships. If you need help or assistance, or just feel curiosity in how many of them you are currently using, feel free to read this.
1- COMPLAIN FOR ALL:
If there is something wonderful about complaining, is that the list is endless, and, anything works. Is nothing ever enough to make you happy? The sun is too bright, the grass is too green, the birds sing too loud (especially in China), all is so beautiful that your eyes hurt. Yes, this is just a perfect start to ruin your days and others around you too. Keep doing this for as long as you can take it and I guarantee it will erase all smiles with an amazing success.
Just another example to give you ideas, let’s pretend you are at a restaurant:
complain about the chairs (too heavy, to tight, too low, too high, too…too),
service is slow or too fast and don’t give you enough time to know what you want;
glasses or forks have stains
ambience is too loud
lights are too bright (or not)
Food is too expensive and not good enough, etc…
The list of complaints can be the size of your imagination.
2- Lean on your couple for ALL, avoid all kind of self-initiative.
Does he/she needs help putting a business lunch together? Forget it! Just DON’T do it. Find any excuse.
– Too tired
– Too busy
– Too afraid to do something wrong
– Not enough skills for that matter, lack of experience
– Why do you have to deal with that, can’t the assistant do it?
– Kids keep you busy
– Need to walk the dog
– Family or friends are just visiting on that date
– Language skill’s problem
3- Avoid all social compromises and events, in particular those where your life partner requires your presence/help.
Once again, all excuses are good. Just start by the usual ones:
-“you are just not made for this type of events”
– People are so weird and uninteresting
– They really have nothing in common with you and they make you sleepy
– As a matter of a fact, being standing for so long make your legs swallow and hurt
– On the other hand ‘you have nothing to wear’
4- Forget about taking care of yourself, just let go of you.
Life is too complicated and you really don’t have time for shallow issues. Try gaining some pounds to give force to this point, or if you just had a baby, forget about getting back to shape.
-Keep your hair pin up or with a pony tail, if you are a guy leave your hair a little more greasy than usually and your beard grow a little longer that the usual, just enough to give you a bohemian look.
-Ladies, forget about make-up when your hubby is around. Remember, you like it natural and it will help your skin be healthier and avoid wrinkles.
– Manicure? Pedicure? NO WAY
– Wear comfortable clothes, juggins and sweat shirts are just perfect! Anyway, remember you have nothing to wear.
-Avoid perfumes and perhaps deodorants too
– The best of all: if you have kids, let them stain your clothing, burp on them, clean their mouths, etc. The smells that will leave on your will absolutely keep your spouse at a safe distance.
5- Make sure to avoid any kind of interesting conversations, just limit to simple and boring subjects.
Once you have become an expert on this matter, all contact will be absolutely avoided. If you are running short of ideas, let me give you some useful themes to start a topic:
– Speak about the ayi and the unfinished errands (drivers, gardeners, guards, etc also work)
– Tell your partner all about your pet’s adventures; chewing shoes, peeing around the house, running after people, etc.
– Criticized your friends, neighbors, teachers, baker, manicurist and so on.
– Compare your kids to others, and complain about their behaviors. Make sure to put the guilt on your spouse for not being around when needed. By the way, here you can also speak about other parents and their lousy job as parents…not like you…the best in town taking care of your kids.
6- In-laws are such a pain in the back!
This is like the golden eggs’ goose, there are never enough. Complain, criticize, compare to your wonderful loving family, avoid them and be sarcastic when relating to the in-laws. Here you will collect all the credits and even extra ones in the run to divorce.
I guess you have got the point now, to make sure you are actually scoring extra points keep a record of your fantastic work, note what works better and try to make some improvements on the matter. In the process, also try to have some fun, if that could be possible.
Yuri Ferrer
