Disappointment didn’t begin to explain my feelings. This was the second miscarriage in six months. Having one child already, in my heart I wanted so much for him to have a sibling. I was grateful to my doctor for understanding my devastation and for my husband’s attempt of support but there were very few others who understood the depth of feelings I was experiencing. This happened in the early seventies.
During the 1980’s I became involved in the beginnings of the hospice movement. In my training I learned much about grief mostly unknown to the general public. The most important lesson I learned was to help grieving families personalize their celebration of their loved one. After five years at hospice, I went to work as a bereavement director at a nearby funeral home. I received an education unlike any other. The funeral director highly encouraged direct participation in the funeral ritual to promote physical and emotional healing.
One young couple whose first child was miscarried came to us for help. We encouraged them to name their baby and tell us all the wonderful things that happened to them when they found out they were pregnant. Mommy and Daddy shared many special memories with us. In the midst of their sorrow, they smiled through their tears sharing the hopes and dreams they had in the first few weeks of the pregnancy. How disappointed they were when their dreams ended in miscarriage. We helped them make arrangements for a simple memorial service.
Their little one was tiny, only about eight inches long weighing less than two pounds. I found a tiny doll outfit that the baby could wear. We arranged a viewing in a small intimate room in the funeral home as if it were a friendly bedroom. I placed an afghan on a rocking chair next to the tiny casket, an angel night light, a few stuffed animals and a child’s board book. The appointed time came for the parents to see their little one–to first say hello and then goodbye.
Mom and Dad were visibly moved the moment they walked in the door. There were tears but also smiles. We left them alone with a few encouraging words. After some time, they indicated they were ready for the next step. Their parents and loved ones drifted in a few at a time to lend their support. The healing had begun.
People, who have had bad experiences with death or no experience at all grieving over the death of someone they love, often think something like this scenario sounds macabre but those who have know that something special just took place and they now have some beautiful memories of their child.
Years later a grandchild of mine was miscarried. I had the privilege of making a little blanket for him and purchasing a tiny toy that was tucked into the small wooden box my son and his wife purchased and decorated. His daddy conducted his funeral service. Family and friends prayed and sang together as we comforted mom and dad and each other. The healing had begun.
So, what can be done if a friend has a miscarriage? First contact them with words of love, caring and your own disappointment. Any positive thoughts about your feelings when you heard about the pregnancy would be greatly appreciated for they are a tangible proof that this child touched your life. Perhaps you could find a special piece of jewelry, a window prism or other small memento to give the parents as a gift in memory and celebration of their child. Another token of your caring could be a perennial flowering plant or tree. Anything that will reinforce that this tiny human being made a mark on the world will give hope and comfort to his or her parents. I wish I would have had this knowledge when my own miscarriage occurred. I’m sure I would have healed much faster.
Knowing what I now know, I would encourage moms who’ve miscarried to write about their feelings and observations in a journal set aside especially for this baby. Making something like a stepping stone, a small scrapbook or planting a specially chosen perennial will bring some closure. A cement lamb or duck set in a special place in your yard is another idea couples have found helpful. The most important thing is to do something in honor of your child even if it’s to take a long walk. Every child makes an impact in the world no matter how little. Begin the healing.
