A Therapeutic Model for the Development of Self Esteem
Years ago as a young graduate student I listened to one of my favorite professors Dr. Alan Anderson at the University of Minnesota discuss the role of birth order in the development of self esteem. As a behaviorist my reaction to this approach to human growth and development was mostly to dismiss the concept as irrelevant.
Dr. Anderson had a series of identical metal rocking chairs in his office, that brought back many special memories because my father bought one just like them for my mother when I was born. I shared this with Dr. Anderson and he told me that when I completed my Ph.D. successfully he would give one of his to me to match the one I had inherited from my parents, if I would just hear him out and come to a more complete understanding of his ideas. In the process of several years of long and lengthy discussions he won me over and started my mind thinking in an entirely different direction. So I am going to give the credit for what I am going to write here to Dr. Alan Anderson.
Adding to Dr. Anderson’s thoughts have come years of my own clinical observations. I have often taught these concepts to my students and their reports back to me have been to reinforce that the concepts have been helpful to them in their own clinical practice. Recently several of my students took me to lunch and made a request for me to put these concepts in writing for their benefit if nothing else. I have chosen to take a personal and anecdotal approach to this presentation rather than a strictly scholarly and research oriented one although that may come in a revised version.
Over the years I have come to believe that the very beginnings of the development of self esteem has to do with the quality of the relationship between the parents or significant adults in a child’s environment at birth. Children do not need to be told where they came from – they innately sense it. Mothers often report that somewhere in the first trimester of their pregnancy they sense a certain quality to the personality of this developing infant, but that is a totally different topic and not my focus here.
My description of the process begins at birth. At birth a child gains an ability to observe his or her environment and an important part of that observation is the ability to observe how their mother is treated. The first gift a child receives comes from their observation of the way their mother is treated. If mother is treated as a person of worth and value the child makes an automatic assumption he or she is a person of worth and value as well. I constantly tell fathers how important it is how they treat and interact with their wife. Fathers must always treat the mother of their children with respect. They should always treat her and speak to her in a way which clearly indicates they see her as a person of great worth, value and an equal in power and authority in governing the affairs of the family.
What I learned from Dr. Anderson has guided my thoughts and observations over the years. I submit that the first child in a family enjoys the attention of both parents until the appearance of the second child. At this point he or she turns their attention to father as a result of mother’s preoccupation with this new entry into the family. If this connection is made between child one and father the process of developing a strong and stable self esteem in the child continues to move in a positive direction. When this emotional bond and connection does not take place there could be major difficulties for the child in adult life. The first principle is that the self esteem of the oldest child in the family is greatly dependent upon the quality of the emotional bond and relationship between the first child and the father.
The second child seems to rest comfortably with mother and the second principle is that the self esteem of the second child in the family is dependent upon the quality of the emotional bond and relationship between the second child and the mother.
The third child enters a balanced system and as a result becomes what Dr. Anderson called “the watcher.” This child seems to focus their attention on an observation of the quality of the relationship between the parents and actually seems to take some responsibility for the preservation of that relationship. The third principle is that the self esteem of the third child in the family is greatly dependent upon the quality of the relationship between the parents.
The fourth is the “garbage collector.” He or she seems to take what is left over and is influenced by the strength and quality of the family system as a whole. The fourth principle is that the self esteem of the fourth child in the family is dependent upon the quality of the relationships, structure and stability of the family.
With the fifth child the process starts all over again with a slight addition. The self esteem of the fifth child in the family is dependent upon the quality of the emotional bond and relationship between the fifth child and the father as well as the oldest child.
Knowing this as a place to start can be of great benefit to a clinician. If my client is an oldest child and suffering from self esteem issues it only makes sense to at least inquire about the relationship between the client and the father. If this is productive you have saved some exploration time – if not, nothing lost.
Self esteem begins with childhood experiences. The degree of self esteem is supported by continued success experiences. Self-esteem is how a person feels about themselves. It is a quiet response to the self — a sense of self-respect. When you have it deep inside — you are glad you are you. With it you don’t need to be impressing others, you know you have value. Each individual’s judgment of self influences the kinds of friends they choose, how they get along with others, the kind of person they marry and how productive they will be. It affects creativity, integrity and stability. Self-esteem forms the core of personality and determines the use the individual will make of their aptitudes and abilities. A therapist helps a client to build a firm and wholehearted belief in self. Strong self-respect and self-esteem are based on the conviction that they are lovable, they matter and have value simply because they exist. If they feel they are worthwhile, they can handle their environment with competence and they know they have something to offer others.
