Who hasn’t read, at one time or another, the statistics regarding the prevalence of infidelity? Who among us, if ever suspicious of our spouse, hasn’t stumbled upon one of a thousand lists of “Signs Of A Cheating Spouse” that are so prevalent on the Internet these days?
Never mind statistics – those are based on numbers involving other people. And “Signs Of A Cheating Spouse”, by themselves, do not prove anything. What we don’t find, read, or hear much about is – “What should I do if I suspect that my spouse is cheating?”
As a Private Detective who’s worked with thousands of people throughout the years, many regarding their suspicions of infidelity, I’d like to offer just a few suggestions:
Keep an open mind. Most of the “tell-tale” signs of a cheating spouse that populate the Internet today can be plausibly explained by factors that have nothing to do with an affair. Even seemingly damning evidence can sometimes be plausibly explained. In one case of mine, a husband found another man’s underwear in his drawer and became distraught over this supposed evidence of his wife’s infidelity. In the end, that underwear was found to belong to my client’s father-in-law who had spent an evening in the couple’s home the weekend prior.
In my own practice, I’ve found that at least 25% of my clients have been wrong about their suspicions. These were clients that were relatively certain about the affair before they hired me. What I find, from time to time, is that “the other woman” is actually a bar stool at the local tavern, a buddy that the wife doesn’t want her husband to hang out with anymore, or even the slots at the local casino. On other occasions, the “cheating spouse” isn’t found to be cheating, but rather preparing to leave the marriage altogether.
While you may need to follow-up on your suspicions to put your mind to rest, it’s imperative that you do so with an open mind.
Don’t confront your spouse. Confrontation, without evidence, serves no purpose. Think about it for a minute – a person who is willing to cheat on their spouse is probably one who’s willing to lie about it when asked. At the same time, nobody’s going to admit to an affair that they’re not having. In both scenarios, the answer will be the same: “No honey, I’m not having an affair.” Confrontation only serves to notify your spouse that you’re suspicious. If your spouse is cheating, your confrontation will only harm your ability to conduct any meaningful future investigation.
Save the confrontation for when you know what the truth is.
Act normal. None of us care to be taken for fools, and our egos frequently demand that we stand up and declare, “I’m not an idiot – I know what you’re doing.” But, just like the confrontation referenced above, this kind of declaration serves only to warn the cheater that you’ve become suspicious. This, in turn, will make it more difficult to obtain proof of an affair as your spouse tries harder to conceal his or her activities. The best thing for you to do, so long as you’re interested in getting to the bottom of your suspicions, is to play the part of a fool. Smile – be charming (unless that’s not normal for you) – be your normal self. You want your spouse to think that you don’t expect a thing.
If, like many people, you simply can’t hide your despair through this emotionally trying time – consider offering a plausible explanation for your demeanor (e.g. “Oh, it’s just that I’m stressed out about work, that’s all.”)
Be selective in who you share your suspicions with. During such an emotionally trying time, you may find a need to talk to someone sympathetic to your concerns; this is a normal and natural need, and can be a healthy outlet for your stress. But keep in mind that people tend to have affairs with people they meet through their ordinary everyday lives – i.e. the colleague at work, the next-door-neighbor, the best friend’s spouse, your best friend, your same sex sibling, etc. For this reason, it’s absolutely imperative that you not share your suspicions with anyone who might be part of the problem. I instruct all of my clients, “Tell the whole world that you hired a PI when I’m done with the job, but keep it quiet until then.” I’ve had too many cases ruined because of clients who trusted the wrong person.
If you absolutely must share your concerns with others – do so with a friend who lives in another state, a trained counselor, or other such person so far removed (geographically, preferred) that they couldn’t possibly be involved. But remember – this person will likely find a need to tell someone that they trust. And that person will find a need to tell someone that they trust, and so on. Be extremely careful in who you ultimately confide in.
Evaluate your relationship. You’re likely to find yourself asking some rather difficult questions throughout this process of discovery; I would suggest that you include, “What do I really want for this relationship?” on your list of questions.
Too often, people become so overwhelmed with the prospect of being the “victim” of infidelity, that they don’t stop to wonder whether or not they actually care that the marriage or relationship may be over. This is no more apparent to me than when I get a call from an angry wife who spends her time on the phone with me lamenting that her husband “…is a lying, cheating, good-for-nothing, sociopathic loser – always has been too” instead of discussing her suspicions of infidelity. Other times, I’m asked to conduct surveillance of a fiancé just prior to the wedding. My question is always, “If you have to hire a PI to determine if your fiancé is cheating on you, then why are you getting married in the first place?”
Base your decisions on what you want to have happen in your relationship – not on the fact that you may be the victim of infidelity. Ask yourself, “Regardless of whether or not my spouse is cheating on me – do I want to continue to be with this person?”
Prepare yourself for what may happen. You may be 100% committed to your marriage, even if you do ultimately discover that your spouse is having an affair, but that doesn’t mean that your spouse is as equally committed. It takes two to be married and, if you’re spouse is having an affair, you can assure yourself that it’s likely to be due to some unfulfilled needs from the marriage that your spouse might not be interested in resolving with you.
While you may not be interested in preparing for a separation or divorce at this time, that doesn’t mean that your spouse isn’t. I’ve watched more than a few “subjects” who were actively preparing for life after marriage (e.g. opening separate bank accounts, looking for an apartment, etc.). Now may be a good time to take some rudimentary steps to prepare for an outcome that is not of your choosing.
Consider taking some time to copy your address book, make copies of important documents, photograph possessions in the home, open a credit card in your name only, open a checking or savings account in your name only, change passwords to access your voice-mail or online accounts, copy cherished negatives and photographs, etc. Most of this documentation, including photographs, can fit onto a single CD and should be stored outside the residence that you share with your spouse. If you think about it – many of these steps are those that you should have taken long ago to prepare for that house fire that could happen to any one of us.
A word of warning here – don’t get carried away. The courts generally look disfavorably upon those who go so far as to empty communal checking and savings accounts, change locks on the doors, or otherwise deprive the other spouse to access to marital funds and property. Besides, you’re not actually planning for a divorce – just trying to be prepared should your spouse suddenly and unilaterally end the relationship for the two of you.
Research the laws. Most of the people, who solicit my surveillance services, do so out of a “need to know.” They already know (or believe they know), due to “no-fault” divorce laws in my own state, that the courts will not award them the big screen TV and nice sofa / love seat combination if they can only prove that their spouse is having an affair. However, this doesn’t always negate their need for legal advice.
If you’re in the process of deciding whether to divorce (versus working on your marriage), or if you just want to know how you would fare should your spouse make that decision for you, you may want to take this opportunity to research divorce laws in the state in which you reside. How will property be divided? Will it help your case at all if you could show that your spouse is having an affair? Who is likely to get custody of the children? What about spousal or child support issues?
You can conduct some of this rudimentary research for free without ever leaving your home. There’s a wealth of information at your disposal through the Internet by simply typing in the name of your state and “divorce” or “child custody” into your favorite search engine (e.g. “Minnesota divorce” or “child custody Minnesota”). Of course, you should only consider this research “preliminary”. Sit down to speak with an attorney if you think you might ultimately decide (or your spouse may decide) to move forward with ending the marriage.
Gather evidence. Now is the time to begin to document your evidence of a possible affair, and make notes regarding your suspicions. Consider either writing things down, or entering the details into a password-protected document in your computer. Don’t rely on your memory.
I don’t recommend that anybody actually go out and attempt to conduct an investigation or surveillance on their own – these are things best left to your professional investigator for very good reasons. But now is the time to note times and dates of suspicious activity to notice patterns, strange phone numbers appearing on caller ID units or cell phone call histories, discrepancies between actual odometer readings and round trip mileage to and from a spouse’ place of employment, etc. Strange as it may seem, you should also keep notes of times and events that are not suspicious to you. For example, while you may believe that your spouse is traveling to another state next Wednesday for a business meeting, that doesn’t necessarily make it so. Only after an affair is fully revealed will some of these other details be looked at in a different light.
Now is also the time to gather other details that may become useful to a detective if you decide that an investigation becomes necessary. That information may include your spouse’ place of employment, employer address, make-model-license plate of your spouse’ car, names and addresses of your spouse’ friends and family members, photos or jpgs of your spouse, names and details of someone you think your spouse may be seeing (i.e. address, vehicle information, etc.). Don’t wait until the last possible moment to begin to collect these facts; you want to begin to gather them now so that they’re at the ready should the need to move forward arrive.
Consider hiring a licensed Private Investigator. Whether or not you choose to hire a private detective should be based on a number of different factors – not the least of which is your psychological “need to know”, your ability to afford an investigator, and the need for a licensed professional to document the evidence an affair for legal purposes.
Avoid the temptation of trying to follow your spouse yourself. Even with 20+ years of surveillance experience, I’d be the last person to try to follow my own wife if I thought she were having an affair; I’d have to hire another PI to do the job for me. This is due in part to the fact that none of us are invisible. When you follow someone in a car, you’ll inevitably find yourself directly behind him or her when they stop at a traffic light. Get ready to wave to your spouse when he or she looks in the mirror to see who’s in the car behind them! A private detective can get away with this – being in the vehicle directly behind him or her at a traffic light, and even with sitting on the barstool next to your spouse if needed, because they’re perceived by the cheating spouse as “just another Joe.”
It’s also a grave mistake to have a friend of yours playing the part of a PI. Contrary to what some may think, there’s much more to conducting a discreet surveillance than simply sitting in a car for a few hours and then following the spouse around town. Cheating spouses are wary of being caught, and many take steps to verify that they’re not being followed. Your friend is unlikely to have the skills necessary to maintain contact with your spouse while, at the same time, convincing him or her that they’re not being followed. Get caught, and you’ll jeopardize any future surveillance efforts (even by a professional), reveal to your spouse that you’re suspicious, and potentially create some legal issues for yourself and your friend depending on the laws in your own state.
I’m unlikely to be able to assist you with your investigative needs unless they involve surveillance within Minnesota. However, you’ll likely find a qualified and competent local investigator in your own area if you take the time to look. Finding one can be as simple as opening your yellow pages directory or conducting an online search for private investigators through your favorite search engine (e.g. “Minnesota private detective”, “private investigator Minneapolis”, etc.).
I’d recommend that you select an investigator from your own area – not a national outfit that proclaims to have “investigators in your area.” Check to see that the detective agency has a local mailing address. You’ll also do well to verify that they’re licensed, bonded and insured. And finally – make sure that they specialize in conducting surveillance.
Discuss it. If, for all your worries, you determine that your spouse is not having an affair (and I hope that you do), you’ll have spent the equivalent of the better part of a day reading some online legal resources, talking to an investigator or two, and making copies of those important documents and photographs that you should have copied for unrelated reasons long ago. By now, you’ve re-evaluated your relationship and your desire to make things work (or not) and have – worst case scenario, confided in a friend or relative about your unfounded suspicions. Now’s the time to get rid of those notes about your spouse, shred the PI’s business card and invoice (if you went that far), and tell your confidant to keep it to themselves. It’s also a time to reflect on what caused you to believe that there was an affair in the first place.
For the others, it’s time to “confront” the issue once there’s overwhelming evidence of the affair. But only do so as long as there’s no chance that additional investigation or surveillance will be needed.
Keep in mind though, that when we confront people, we oftentimes put them on the defensive – “What?! You hired a PI to follow me around?! How dare you!” This is usually due to the spouse being caught “off guard” and not knowing how to react to the fact that you know about the affair. After all, you gave no previous indication that you knew what was going on right?
Some of my clients have reported being successful, in getting their spouse to admit to the affair, by discussing the infidelity in a “matter of fact” manner after first giving the cheating spouse a forewarning that the topic will be addressed in the near future.
On the day that you’ve decided to discuss the matter with your spouse, tell him or her, “I know about your affair. I want to talk to you about it after work.” Then leave it at that and walk away or hang up. This gives your spouse the time to reflect on how they’re going to handle things. In many cases, they’ll come home and admit to an affair that they wouldn’t have admitted to if pushed against the wall in a confrontational manner. Some cheating spouses are actually relieved to be caught.
Don’t disclose everything you know. It’s tempting for some of my clients to disclose my investigative reports, complete with still images captured from videotape, to their spouse while screaming, “Look at this!” However, this is the last thing you should do.
An investigative report is prepared so that you have the proof you need to make informed decisions. It’s not prepared to prove to your spouse that he or she is having an affair. After all – your spouse already knows what the facts are.
When we tell someone what we know, we inadvertently tell him or her just how much we don’t know. For example, let’s say that you confront your wife with videotape of her entering a hotel with another man, and an investigative report (without video or still images) detailing her dinner with the same man two weeks prior. What you’re effectively telling your wife, by revealing this evidence, is that you don’t know about her taking a trip with the man to Bermuda when she said she was on a business trip to Minneapolis. You’ve just told her that you have no evidence of the affair before the dinner two weeks prior. You’ve told her that you have no evidence of her kissing her lover at the car after dinner. You’ve told her that you have no clue about how she spent the day with this man the day before the hotel rendezvous. You’ve told her, by laying your cards on the table, just how much you don’t know. After all, if you knew these other facts – why not confront her with those as well? Where are the reports detailing those facts?
Armed with the investigative report in the hypothetical situation above, the wife is likely to admit to the dinner with her platonic “friend” and the fact that she entered the hotel with him two weeks later. She may very well go on to explain, “But he’s just a friend. We didn’t do anything except talk. He’s going through a hard time and he wanted to get my advice. I knew you wouldn’t understand, and that it’d look bad, so that’s why I didn’t tell you. You don’t trust me – you’re always accusing me of the worst. What’s wrong with you? And besides – how dare you hire a PI to invade my privacy anyway!”
Keep your evidence to yourself. It’s your evidence – not your spouse’. Your knowledge is your power. Your spouse not knowing how much you know is your power. Consider instead (using the hypothetical situation given above) telling your spouse something similar to, “Cindy, I know that you’re having an affair with Dan. I’m not interested in discussing how I know, or how much I know. What I need to know is whether or not you’re willing to end the affair and work on this marriage – which will require you to divulge everything to me, or whether you’d rather hide details and make excuses, in which case this marriage is over. You want to tell me about it?”
How you choose to handle your own particular suspicions is ultimately going to be up to you. While you may feel totally alone as you struggle to find answers, understand that the advice given above comes not so much from me, but the countless others – people like yourself, who’ve come before you.
Good luck.
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